Since it’s the end of the year, I’m going to reflect on the way it all went down. First thought: the first five or so months of this year were some of the worst five or so months I’ve ever felt. This was because I couldn’t feel them at all.
Every few years I get really depressed. It’s just the way it is, and the way it likely always will be. I am a sturdy house with faulty wiring.
2013 will go down in my own little history (joining 2008, 2002, a fair bit of 2010 and all of middle school) as one of those years. I don’t feel like going into detail about it just now, but it got ugly. Then, gradually, it got better.
The second half of this year has been one of the better second halves of any year, so far. I read and wrote a fair bit and travelled good travels, baked grill marks into my side in a slatted white swimsuit on the first really hot day of late-June, and ran ~355 miles. Most of all, I had nice times with good people and remembered how nice it is to have good people, realized to the fullest extent in my life so-far how grateful I am to have so many people who truly have my back. I’ve always had a loner complex, so it’s been a pleasant surprise to be able to see what everyone else already could: that people like me. That I am a person to like.
And that’s the thing, when you’re a person who periodically loses the ability to feel. You forget that you are a person of worth. Remembering otherwise is also a relearning, and each time, what you learn gets bigger. “Wisdom” is one word that gets thrown around carelessly, and I’m not going to be one of those assholes who pretends to be wise. “Perspective” might be closer. Anyway, I feel like I’m coming out of this year with more of a sense of how to BE, in the most pared-down sense of the word. Wiser, maybe, if not yet wise. Maybe this will be the time the learning sticks.
My second thought: this blog has run its course. I talk about myself enough in other places. This will be this blog’s last post. It’s been real.